宵夜！宵夜！宵夜！

My body was exhausted, beat, DONE for the day. I was too tired to even bother to just fart around. At around 9:30, I crashed. Three and a half hours later... BOOM. I woke up. I spent the next few hours watching the latest Project Runway (They kicked Ramone? Seriously?!) and a handful of 康熙来了episodes. Now it's almost 5 and I'm fucking WIRED. Completely unable to sleep! What the hell?! So, I guess I'll just amuse myself by talking about the highlight of my day.

The 99 Ranch Market doesn't exactly bring up the best image in my head. When I think of the 99 Ranch Market, I think of a dirty, smelly, all-out-gross supermarket stuck in the middle of Chamblee, GA. A place where the shit they sell isn't always fresh and, seriously, every aisle smells like raw fish vagina.

I know I had teased at this entry being about 牛肉麵 in San Diego. Well, here's the deal with San Diego: the Chinese food here sucks a dick. I'm not kidding. Since I've been living on my own for the past year, there's been a serious drought of Chinese food in my life. I went from eating that stuff every day to making it an EVENT. Like, I make a two hour drives to L.A. just to get my fix.

You'd think that with L.A. so close, there'd be more Chinese people trickling down to the south and opening bitchin' restaurants. NOPE! Every single genuine Chinese cuisine I've been to here has ranged from being crappy to subpar. It's absolutely disappointing. I even went and found the blog of a guy who reviews Chinese restaurants in San Diego. It was from that blog that I supposedly had the best 牛肉麵 that San Diego had to offer. Spoiler alert: that shit sucked.

Anyway, so yea, the 99 Ranch Market. Today, on the drive home, I decided at the last possible second to take an exit and search for it. Eventually, I got myself to its parking lot. Shockingly, the place was super clean! I mean, it was clean like an American supermarket! The floor was actually sparkling! I felt like a five year-old at Toys R Us! I didn't venture over to the produce department, but at no point did the stench of raw fish assault my olfactory senses. Win!

So yea, it was totally awesome. The end.

Yup, Still Into Black Chicks

You know what sucks? When you think your body is saying, "Hey, I'm ready for some sleep!" at 9 p.m. and you go, "Um, I don't know, body. It's kind of early. Don't you think we should hold off a bit longer?" and your body is all, "No, motherfucker! I'm tired NOW!" and you're all like, "Fine, Veruca Salt." and your body is like, "WHAT?!" and you're like, "Nothing." and then you totally go to s!eep... but about two hours later, you wake up at 11:30 p.m. and realize your body tricked you into taking a nap and now it's 2:00 a.m. and you can't fall asleep! I hate it!

Anyway, that preface really has nothing to do with what I want to post about in this entry. As I've stated before, this blog is more for me than others. If you find that reading this blog worthy of your time, awesome. But really, I write in this thing to chronicle my awesome life. You're just here for part of the ride. If you're saying, "What a narcissist!" then, yea, you're right. It's a goddamn blog about ME written by ME! Hello?! Duh?! Okay?!

So there's an event that happened about three to four years ago that suddenly sprouted in my mind today and gave me a good chuckle. I never wrote about on the blog, and seeing how I haven't thought about it in a minute, I'm going to commit it to this blog so I'll NEVER forget it!

Back during my first few months at Pearl, there was this guy name Al. I don't know his last name but I know he was Korean so let's call him Al Kim Lee Park. So Al Kim Lee Park would talk to me and Alex about the other job he had. He told us he was making mad bank and that they were hiring and offered us jobs. Sounded good! So one day after work, Alex, moi, Amie Ha, and Al Kim Lee Park decided to hit up Chili's, so that he could hash out just what it was he does.

Now, I can't really recall what the exact words were, but he basically described a pyramid scheme. After he was finished, not wanting to be an ass and straight up accusing him of being involved in a pyramid scheme, I decided to respond as politely as I could without being too ambiguous about what I was implying.

"Um, the way you describe the work flow ... it sounds like a pyramid."

His eyes light up and he smiles. "EXACTLY! Just like that!"

That's when I realized Al Kim Park Lee was an idiot. So after he wraps it up, he busts out his closing line; "Hey, do you want a new car? Well, if you work with me, be careful of what you wish for... because it just might come true." No joke. Almost a word for word.

Turns out, you had to pay about 500 bucks for fees and classes or whatever. I have no tolerance for idiots and swindlers, so I straight up offered him the most bullshit excuse I could think of.

"Meh, that's the price of a Playstation 3! I have to get a PS3 so I can't do this. Sorry!"

Of course, he spent the rest of the dinner trying to convince me that the 500 dollar investment would lead to me being able to buy loads of PS3s, but I was too busy eating some delicious Chili's to listen to his bullshit. It just kind of blows my mind that I called out someone's ploy as a pyramid scheme and he not only agreed... but he continued to try and recruit me.

Anyway, on to round three of trying to fall asleep!

Next Entry: Beef Noodle Soup?!?

Terran Up the Night!

Alright, I'm about to nerd the fuck out, so non-nerds, please look away... because all the gay might make you barf.

This past weekend I went to Blizzcon and, man, let me just say, it was a fucking blast. Even though the event only spanned two days, there's a clusterfuck of stories to jive about. From that Battlestar chick being announced as the voice of Kerrigan to just how mind-numbingly awesome Starcraft II is, from the exhilarating final matches of Starcraft to the soul-sucking vortex of an announcement that was Cataclysm, from Ozzy rocking the fuck out to seeing Jo Garcia in the flesh, Blizzcon 2009 was spectacular.

Out of all the possible tales to tell, I've settled on one.

So on Saturday, I woke up extra early so I could get my ass from San Diego to Anaheim for the Con. I hadn't brought an extra set of clothes so I made a long trip back to my apartment after Friday. Anyway, the thing about me is, if I don't get enough sleep and I have a hearty breakfast... well, my stomach likes to violently protest.

When I arrived on Saturday, I joined some new friends at the Hilton for a bad ass breakfast buffet. Unknowing to me, a shit storm was brewing under all the delicious. Anyway, after that, we headed into the Con.

After two games of Starcraft II, I decided to sit in on a panel to let my tummy rest. Before I could even get comfortable, my stomach launched a shit missile to my anus. I tried the "shift-your-body-a-bit-to-make-yourself-comfortable-and-not-have-to-shit" maneuver, but no dice, the Cosbys wanted out NOW.

I blasted up from my seat and dashed toward the exit. Now, every hall had its own bathroom right outside. I exploded out the doors and looked to my left: the men's room. Seeing how Blizzcon was populated by a healthy population of pale fatties, if any of them had to do their deed, they would've opted for the closest bathroom... which was the one I was staring at. I wasn't about to submit my nose to an aroma holocaust.

Instead of taking the bathroom less than ten feet away, I decided to continue my mad dash to the bathroom on a whole other floor.

I got on the escalator going to the basement area. It was at this moment that I received a pleasant surprise. Gabe Newell, the man behind the Half-Life series and Valve, was in front of me! Dude's not nearly as fat as you think!

Anyway, I tried to be a gentlemen by not sprinting to the bathroom, but my poo factory was about to have a nuclear meltdown. The power walk I did would've put housewives around the nation to shame. At the same time, I was so jazzed about Gabe Newell that I kept looking back at him.

With a Blizzcon program tucked under my arm and a tightened sphincter that resulted in an awkward power walk, Gabe Newell knew very well what I was going to do. With his eyes, he said to me, "Hey, good luck, friend." With my eyes I said, "Hey! Thanks! When's Half-Life 2: Episode 3 coming out?!" and he responded with his eyes, "When it's ready." and I replied by raising an eyebrow, saying, "Hey, good answer!"

When I hit the bathroom, I was glad... nay, ecstatic... that it smelled of fresh potpourri. I carefully chose out the right bathroom stall and prepared the toilet by covering the seat with three protective layers of paper. Then, I went to town, and oh, it was glorious.

I'd say it was my first pleasant public shit. In fact, it was so pleasant, I felt like I had to call someone to share the great news. Alas, all the people in my contacts that wouldn't have hung up in disgust didn't pick up. Anyway, yea, it was like a zerg rush out of my butt.

Even shitting at Blizzcon was a blast! Blizzcon 2010, consider me RSVP'ed!

"Nah-ah! I listened to three songs!

Like McAdams Loves Gosling!

Seeing how family members are starting to get into the whole Facebook thing, I feel like I should be more cautious with my language and content. Like, instead of saying something like, "Rachel McAdams was so hot in The Time Traveler's Wife that my boner popped a boner," I'd say something like, "Rachel McAdams is a timeless beauty and is utterly gorgeous in The Time Traveler's Wife. Or, instead of saying, "Eric Bana showed his ass, like, a million times in the movie and I totally wanted to take a bite out of it like it was a Georgia Peach," I'd say something like, "Wow, Eric Bana's admirable wardrobe in the film, paired with his incredible physique, is absolutely delightful." Okay, that last example was equally gay both ways.

So I'm not really going to divulge in any plot points or critique The Time Traveler's Wife, but I have to mention something it sparked in my head. For the longest time, I've always imagined that if I got my hands on a time machine, I'd go on wild adventures. I'm talking, like, picking up Jean-Claude Van Damme and Abraham Lincoln and then traveling back in time to fight Spanish Conquistadors while riding on dinosaurs. But now that I've seen the film, you know, I fully believe that I'd travel back in time to visit my family.

I'd go back and see what my parents were like around my age (don't worry, I would NOT play at their Enchantment Under the Sea dance), visit my oldest ancestor, see what the Shieh house was like back thousands of years ago, see my dad and mom and their respective families as children, revisit past memories, and do one of the things I've thought about over and over again: to visit the grandfather I never got to meet. I don't want to get all sappy, but even though he passed away before I was born, I've dreamt about meeting him. Two years ago, I got to transfer my parent's wedding video to DVD, and for the first time, I saw my grandfather. I saw his mannerisms, his demeanor, I saw him, and maybe it doesn't qualify as getting to know him, but I felt like I was.

Obviously, I enjoyed the flick and the feelings it invoked. While it did have it's share of problems, what it had to say was a breath of fresh air. It proudly stands next to Speed 2: The Lake House as one of the best time-travel love stories... even if those are the only two time-traveling love stories. And yes, I teared up a little, so what?!

When the credits rolled on The Hulk, Eric Bana was severely disappointed by Rachel McAdam's response, or lack thereof.

An Act of Charity

So today I was driving to pick myself up a bowl of teriyaki chicken when I saw this hobo sitting at the corner. Now, I've always been pretty charitable. Sure, I can be an asshole of epic proportions, but I can also be pretty darned kind. Back during the GSU days, if I actually had change in my pocket, I'd always throw the hobos a bone. AND ATLANTA HOBOS ARE THE WORSE! But, they're still the needy and if I got three bucks in my pocket, I'll throw it their way. I mean, what am I going to do with three bucks? That monetary value means nothing to me! I'd rather wipe my ass with three dollars than use it to buy a roll of toilet paper, that's how much I don't care about three bucks.

Anyway, so I decided to swing into Burger King and get the dude a Whopper Value Meal. For half-a-second, I thought to myself, "Oh no, what if this hobo doesn't eat beef or meat?" Then I remembered he was a hobo, and not only can they not afford tangible items, they also can't afford to be picky (although, some are picky as shit). Oh, while I'm on the subject, what the fuck, California? A medium Whopper Value Meal is seven bucks? Come on!

As I was getting ready to park, I saw that the hobo was on the move, so I rolled my window down and said, "Hold on a minute, sir!" I popped out my car and handed him the value meal. The guy was all smiles as I approached him. For THAT half-a-second, I thought, "What if he's worried I poisoned the food? I mean, who just buys a hobo a value meal?" But again, hobos can't afford to be picky.

I handed him the stuff and he was like "Thanks, man!" and I was like, "I hope a Whopper is okay!" and he's all like, "Yea! I been waiting for this all day!" At that moment, I was kind of taken back. Hobos usually look groggy, dirt-splattered, and gross. Beneath the dirt, this guy wasn't that bad-looking. For half-a-second, I was thinking, "What if this dude's faking being homeless?" But who'd do that?

So this next bit is what completely threw me off. As I was walking back to my car, this was pretty much the exact dialogue that transpired.

JoE: You have a good day!
Hobo: Isn't this what Iron Man wanted?
JoE: ... what?
Hobo: When he got back, isn't this the first thing he wanted?
JoE: Oh! You're right! Guess that makes you Iron Man today!
Hobo: Thanks, man!
JoE: Have a good day.

As I was pulling out of the parking spot, it hit me... has this hobo seen Iron Man? I mean, I guess he could've saved his money up to see a movie instead of getting food... or the guy wasn't homeless last year... or the guy saw the trailer for the flick at the public library (where hobos go to use the computer)... or the guy isn't homeless at all...

But whatever, assuming the guy is a legit hobo, any hobo that can make a movie reference deserves a Whopper Value Meal!

This is where that seven bucks is going? So The King can get some beach ass?

I Had Pizza!

This entry shall be separated into two chapters. Yes, that's right, motherfucking chapters. Why do I feel this blog entry warrants a break in narrative normally reserved for books? Because who reads books anymore! If we don't bring the good part of books to the wonderful world of the Internet, then it will be forever lost like tears in the rain! Like how tracking during the VHS days were eradicated with the advent of the DVD! Like, when you're about to jam a tape, but it's got those weird squiggly lines running from left to right, and you'd have to fiddle with the knob to fix it? Right? Hello! Duh! Okay? Anyways, let's rock this bitch.

Chapter One: The Downside of Weight-Loss
One of the common themes of this blog is my struggle with my weight... or rather, my sexy tango with my weight. After poring through my old photos, I realized that I'm a notorious yo-yo dieter. What this means is, I'll go through phases of skinny and fat at an alarming rate. In the past, my weight loss success phases were achieved through steadier means. My diet would be more controlled, but I didn't really limit what I could stuff in my mouth. As long as I didn't eat after 8, everything was fair game.

Well, recently, I've begun another bout of weight loss. Let me tell ya, it's been successful as shit! This time around though, I've adjusted my diet from eating like a normal person to eating like a fucking vagina. I mean, I'm eating SUPER healthy and I feel great! But goddamn, sometimes I'll just be laying in bed thinking about delicious foods that I can't have. Seriously, I think about food like I think about women. It's kind of bizarre... and scary!

Anyways, so yea, the diet paired with a pretty awesome exercise regime has sped up the process... BUT! It's made loose skin a very real threat. In the past, it was never a problem. I always had a tight body. But now, there's the scary possibility of loose skin! NO! DON'T WANT!

Obviously, the course of action to take was to gouge myself on my cheat day with half-a-fuckin' pizza, half a philly cheesesteak, a whole thing of fries, and some Cold Stone ice cream. I'd feel guilty for cheating so hard... but come on, it's a counter measure against loose skin. Plus, I've been accidently eating like a vegetarian during my diet... so a day of setback ain't no thang!

Chapter Two: Comic-Con? More Like Boner-Con
I crumbled and bought a single day pass to Friday of Comic-Con 2k9. But how could I resist! Hayao Miyazaki was going to show up and there was a TMNT 25th Anniversary Retrospective! I'll cover the latter in another entry, but I have to make special mention of how awesome it was to see the legendary Miyazaki in person. Although he could only communicate to the audience through a translator, seeing his facial reactions as his senile brain was finding an answer was a treat. Dude completely hates questions. Whenever someone came up to ask him one, he'd make this hilarious jap frown, and then proceed to answer it with a one sentence response. I could jizz on and on about the Disney panel, about seeing my hero, John Lasseter, take the stage. But I should move onto stuff that's less boring.

Like hearing Denzel Washington say, "MY NIGGA!" live! It was also comforting to know that Mila Kunis, Megan Fox, and Rachel McAdams were all within 20 feet of my boner. Also, the new Nightmare on Elm Street looks absolutely spectacular. Jackie Earl Haley is THE motherfucking man in my book now. When I walked past him on the street, I kind of wanted to beat him over the head, drag him into my van, and throw him into my basement. I don't know what I'd do with him when I got him down there... since I have no sexual attraction to him nor have any desire to brutally torture him... but I'd do it. Just like I would that kid from Where the Wild Things Are, the footage of which had my tear ducts acting up.

Epilogue
Hmm... in retrospect, maybe I should've made this two entries... because there's more stories... especially about Megan Fox... Hmmmmmm........

FACT: Megan Fox is six million times more attractive in person.

I Want Pizza!

I hate to admit it, but I've become one of those people who work for the weekends.

"What's wrong with that, JoE?" Um, like, so many things!

If I'm not careful, I could end up like almost everyone else: trapped running on the nine-to-five treadmill with the proverbial delicious treat hanging in front in of me that's forever out of reach no matter how fast I go. There is NO WAY I'll ever succumb to that life.

Some people disguise it as "growing up" or a sign of maturity and hurl it like it's some sort of ninja star of wisdom. "Look at me, I'm so grown up! I pay mortgages! I pay monthly bills! Look at me while I fill out my 401k! Rar rar rar!" Maybe it's just me, but I see that kind of behavior to be just as snooty as that douche from your childhood who would bring a new toy with him to school and deem it as evidence on why he's better than you.

Mind you, this doesn't mean I'm against starting a family. Absolutely not. I'm just saying, I want to enjoy my work when I eventually enter into my career. There was something I saw recently that pulled a one-two combo of smacking me in the face and punching me in the balls. In this flick, they basically said, most people can't separate their passions from their skills, and they'll always pursue their passions... regardless if it's to their detriment.

I don't want you to take this as me patting myself on the back or anything, but I think I've won that lottery. My passions and skills are mutually beneficial, and I can't let that go to waste. I'm going to ride this thing until the end! Hey, remember that triceratops from The Land Before Time? I always thought she was a dude... turns out she's just a lesbian triceratops!

"I'm a chick.""Say whaaaaa?"